Bad News

We received a call from the gastroenterologist that the pathology came back from my mom's polyp, and he needs to see her right away.

I've been praying not to lose my mom to Alzheimer's, so now I am going to lose her to cancer?

This sucks.

Little Quirks

My mom has always been a tad eccentric and quirky.  This disease seems to have made her even quirkier.  When I was growing up, no one was allowed to throw any garbage in the downstairs bathroom garbage can.  It had to be taken to the kitchen garbage can.  She was obsessive about this BA (before Alzheimer's).  Fast forward to current times, and now she doesn't really even want garbage thrown in the kitchen garbage can.  She fusses about the garbage every single day.  Anything that gets thrown away must be shredded into tiny pieces.  She is horrified if the garbage gets filled up, and will then proceed to bad mouth my nephew for making too much.  It's just another one of those things I try to ignore, but it honestly gets under my skin.

Little Obsessions

A woman my mom went to high school with died last week. I didn't know this woman, and I am not sure when the last time my mom saw her was...probably years and years. Anyway, my mom became fixated on this woman's funeral and how if she could drive, she would have gone. Every single day for the past five days she talks about it, and every single day I tell her I never heard of the woman before. I didn't even know about the funeral until it was over. My sister told me today that when the woman's husband died last year, she asked my mom if she wanted to go to the funeral (she had gone to school with him as well) and she asked my sister, "Why?"

Yankee Doodle Dandy

My mom's favorite movie of all time is Yankee Doodle Dandy.  Today in my class, I showed them a clip because the story we read referenced "Yankee Doodle Boy". I got teary eyed watching the clip. When I saw my mom today, I mentioned I had showed the class the clip, and I could tell she doesn't remember the movie.  I think we will be watching it together this weekend!

The New Normal?

Since my mom's colonoscopy on Tuesday, I've pretty much stayed away.  The aftermath of the colonoscopy was rough. She told everybody no less than a dozen times how cold she was. Then she asked over and over if we'd seen the doctor.  I found myself losing patience, and I hate when I feel that way.

My sister told me yesterday that my mom doesn't remember her hospital stay from three weeks ago. I guess that is normal with this disease? It's hard to find any normalcy lately. My mother's house use to be a haven for me, and now I hate to go over there.  It smells of dog and tuna fish with lingering hints of whatever air freshener my sister has recently sprayed.  My mother refuses to let any window be opened, so sometimes I feel like I am absolutely suffocating. Mom told me the other day that the church told her she shouldn't open any windows. I am sure she is referring to a luncheon she went to a year ago where the guest speaker scared her with a talk about break-ins and how to stay safe.

It's difficult to watch this once vibrant woman become this person I don't even recognize. I hate the new normal.

My Poor Sister

My poor sister has really had her hands full with our mother the past 24 hours. It was colonoscopy prep day, and I won't go into much detail except to say she refused to sit on the toilet so there were tons of accidents.

Here's what I think will happen today. The colonoscopy will show inflammation which can be treated with medication. My mother will end up refusing to take the medication, so her problem with pain, discomfort, and distention of the stomach will continue, and she will continue complaining about it.

It's a viscious cycle.

Breakdown

Had a big breakdown today over my mom, the negativity I feel is all around me, and other somewhat trivial things. Luckily my husband just wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. I feel a lot better, for sure!

Decent visit...

My visit with my mom this afternoon was pretty good. She did bring up she is depressed she can't drive, but I changed the subject. She told me a little later that she had her friend take her to the cemetery so she could show her the new WWII plaque on my dad's grave, but had trouble finding the grave. So sad...I guess she did eventually find it, but since we had just been there last Saturday, I was deeply saddened by that.

She told me she can't understand why her dog is so itchy, and I tried to explain it had to do with the type of dog food. She actually seemed to believe me! The dog is a great companion to her, and while I complain about the dog from time to time, I am glad she has her.

I am going to keep today positive, as it was a pretty good day. I know those days are precious. She told me when I left how much she loves me, and I am so thankful for that.

She acts like a child...

and a very naughty child at that.  You can't tell her she is ever wrong. You can't suggest she shouldn't feed her dog seven times a day. "How many dogs have you ever had?" she'll ask.  Well, I have a dog, and I don't feed him all day long and all kinds of junk, so I am pretty sure I know what I am talking about.
She is so angry that we took her car away from her.  Her 89 year old friend informed her we were horrible children for doing that to her, and there is nothing wrong with her.  NOTHING WRONG WITH HER!!!  She can't even carry on a conversation, but obviously she should be driving.

She is so mean to my nephew who has given up his life to be there for her.  He moved in when he was 18 to make sure she had someone at night, and now she accuses him of never being there.  Even though he is only gone when he is working or at school.  She is cruel to him in a way I never thought she could be cruel.

It is hard for me not to wonder if her sweetness all her life was just some sort of act, or some sort of cover for her true feelings.

I always thought my parents were so happy, but now she never speaks of my dad.  When she does speak of him or his family, it isn't with great love.  In fact, when I was researching my dad's side of the family on Ancestry.com, she asked me why I would care about that side of my family.  Her side is the only side that matters.  She really said that to me!!!  I had been so excited in my research, but after that comment, I hung my head and cried.

I don't like my mom at all.  Spending time with her is a chore that I try to avoid at all costs.  I have wrongly placed the weight of her care on my sister using the reasoning that I have a job and my sister doesn't.  I know it is wrong, and I have a great deal of guilt about it, but I know if I had to do it, I wouldn't survive. I have to drag myself over to my mom's house a few times a week for a couple hours at a time.  If I had the choice, I would never go.

I am such a horrible person.  I know this.  Trust me, the smile I plaster on my face for the world isn't real.  My real look is one of constant grief and unhappiness.  I am so tired of being so unhappy.  I am so tired of the fake me being the one everyone sees.  I don't even show my husband the real me, because when I've told him before how I feel, his response was, "You shouldn't feel that way." So I pretend I don't.  I pretend that I love my mom, and love going to see her.  I pretend that everything is okay.  When person after person asks me how my mom is, I usually lie and tell them she is okay.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I don't know whether to hang on, or tie it around my neck.

I hate...

I hate this disease so much.  It's stolen my mother from me, and replaced her with someone I don't recognize, and who barely recognizes any of her recent past.

I hate this disease so much.  It's turned me into a person I don't recognize.  I don't know how to laugh or have fun anymore.  I only want to crawl into my bed and hide, hoping it has all been just a bad dream.

I hate this disease so much.  It has made me and my 15 year old son hate God.  Seriously, how could a loving God do this to my mother.  A person who exemplified his teachings every single day of her life.  It has to be to punish me.

I hate this disease so much.